Wanted: One-Big-Frosty-Salted-Margarita, Extra Booze Please

I've had the most wonderful opportunity to care for 3 additional kids this summer. And some days, all 9 of the grandchildren in our family were able to spend time together this summer. Here are the revelations that I've come to recognize. Some I've attempted to improve upon. And then, after some hard-core-slap-me-in-the-face realization, I just let it all go and try to get 10 breaths in before I commit myself to the padded room.

1. Kids pick their noses. What they do with their findings isn't always pleasant. I've encouraged tissues, but most days the 'gold' ends up on sleeves, pillows, furniture or most unpleasantly, in a mouth. Does ACT or Crest make mouthwash that truly takes care of boogers? Perhaps a good dose of Listerine would kill the curiosity to dig for gold?

2. Children don't do a good job at wiping their own butts. As much as one would like to think their child is potty-trained at 5 or even 7, the proof is in the underwear. I've attempted to do a 5 kid seminar at the bathroom door, with toilet paper in hand, on the proper way to wipe your caboose. I'm reminded of the age old saying..'you can lead a horse to water...' So, as much as I'd like for my youngest niece to wipe her own butt, the minute I hear her yell, "I'm DONEEEEEEE," I go running to the bathroom. I can usually catch her butt before it slides across the toilet seat and repaints it another color, along with the rest of her backside and she drops her entire dress in the toilet and then requires a wardrobe change. On the days I don't catch her, I keep an extra set of clothes, the paper towels, and Clorox stocked in all the bathrooms.

3. Small children will eat with their fingers and make noises that sound as if they are piglets at a feeding trough. You can put appropriate silverware (the right sized fork, spoon, spork) with a napkin next to the plate, or even two napkins if you deem necessary, but that does not mean they are aware of their existence when they see spaghetti that just beckons a twirling on the finger and a slurping down the hatch. This is followed up by washing it down with a lidded cup with a straw, that they insist on tilting to the ceiling. Inevitably, that 1 millimeter space between the straw and the hole in the lid, lets the chocolate milk run down, their chins and into and on the outsides of the fronts of their shirts. Here's a bit of advice for the maker's of children's shirts.. Don't bother with white or yellow material.

4. The time required to properly and safely secure 6 children in a vehicle before departing..SUCKS. And even though your mini-van touts that is seats 8 persons, what they really meant to say is that it fits 5 adults and the one in the last row can not have legs. Because if you have ever crawled into the 2nd row of a mini-van and tried to buckle those 3 children, (warning..run on sentence) one in a 5 point harness car seat, and 2 in boosters, where the seatbelt latch mechanism is so far hidden in between the seats, not to mention the digging you must do to find it between the actual crack between the van seats, all the while your armpit is smothering a child in the second row and your legs are balanced on the console, hoping it doesn't decide to bust a move while the ice cold soda you prepared for yourself awaits the completion of this feat....you will find this to be the biggest BITCH of your day! Keep your profanities in check.

5. Kids today are just not appreciative. I find myself saying, 'tell Mr. and Mrs. So and So, or your Aunt, your grandma, 'thank you for...' more often than I hear my own kids just instinctively saying the words themselves. It embarrasses me that they are seemingly ungrateful when having not a care in the world and leading such privileged lives. I often wonder if I do not say 'thank you enough' or they don't hear me saying it enough? Or, if because I am conscious of it, I do say it often and they just don't deem it necessary, when something falls into their hands, whether it be a toy they've wanted or someone's time. This needs serious correction and attention. My fall project.

6. The dispensing of toothpaste onto a toothbrush was not meant for those that have not yet cleaned a bathroom. I am convinced toothpaste, no matter the brand or variety, because I have indeed tried them ALL, could be used as a multipurpose adhesive: grout, glue, coagulant to stop bleeding and maybe even wall puddy for hanging photos? If you doubt it's a pain in the *ss to clean up, have a 5 year old spit and smear a half tube all over your bathroom sink, mirror, hand towel and light switch. I bet you'll contemplate the cost difference between having a mouthful of baby teeth yanked and dentures made verses toothpaste and bathroom cleaner over 5 years time.

7. Kids will wait until the last possible moment to pee or poop. If you are leaving, and attempting to be proactive by having them all use the bathroom, it doesn't matter. One or all of the children will inevitably have to pee. And it always comes right when the meal at a restaurant is delivered to your table, you just got into a swimming pool, you just waited in a 45 minute line for an event and finally maneuvered through a very large crowd to find your seats...OR..you just got 5 minutes down the highway on a 5 hour road trip. And, if you are lucky enough to have more than one child requiring full time attention, you get to take them all to the restroom, no matter where you are or how filthy it might be once you get inside. I think most of my trips out of the house are planned around toilet breaks and whose restrooms are the cleanliest.

(still part of #7) And why can't a child dry themselves off when exiting a swimming pool in the quick attempt to get to the toilet before peeing themselves? I mean, if you know 'its' coming, stop doing the potty dance while grabbing yourself and get the flip out of the pool! Grab a towel, dry yourself from the hair down and properly remove your swim suit after entering the bathroom AND, before sitting yourself on the toilet. Wet toilet seats in public places gross me out enough. I'd rather not see that at home and think that someone might have just urinated all over the seat and left it there.

8. Kids don't see the multi-purpose function of a Happy Meal box or kid's meal sack. Sure, it has Littlest Pet Shop and Iron Man printed all over the sides, it is even perforated for your paper ripping pleasure, but really kids...it's dual purpose is a trash receptacle for your garbage when you are done shoveling down the fries, dropping half of the 4 puny little honey mustard laden nuggets on the carpet in the vehicle while you are too enthralled with 101 Dalmations on the DVD player. Not to mention, it would be really nice, if you could keep the straw that I thought would help aide in consuming your chocolate milk, in the bottle itself, rather than painting the windows. Chocolate milk is not a water color. It doesn't make a pretty rainbow when it dries. But you probably already know this since you tried to lick it off so that I didn't see what you were doing as I glared back in the rear-view mirror. A Happy Meal would make even mom 'Happy' if the child could manage to put the fry wrapper, honey mustard container, nugget box, empty drink container, straw and toy wrapper BACK IN THE BOX and carry it with you before departing the vehicle.

9. Kids become really helpless when they know you are close and listening. It's amazing how their legs shut down on a swing, when you just sit down on the bench to read a book. Or how they forget to check the toilet paper roll before they sit down. They forget to put their finished plates in the sink, shut off lights, close doors, make beds, put the dirty laundry where it belongs, turn off the television and handheld devices, and the list goes on...the patience thins...the entrance to the padded cell gets closer.
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This summer hasn't been so much realization for me, as it has been a test of my patience and endurance. When I was pregnant with our twins, my mom told me that this is exactly what I needed. I thought she was nuts. She said, and I knew she was right when she said it but would not have admitted to agreeing with her, 'that I did not have a lot of patience for anyone. My tolerance for learning, taking the time to have others teach me something or give me criticism was not there. My patience for accepting others help was not there because I was a bit of a perfectionist and GOD forbid, they didn't do it MY way. I was impatient and I took this frustration out on others unknowingly.' Perfect recipe for a mom-to-be.

My mother was never more right when she said having twins was exactly what I needed. Add to that, a 3rd child two years later. And to think five years after the first two were born, I took on 6 children. I know there were moments when maybe the neighbors heard me at the top of my lungs but, I don't believe if you asked one of the kids what they remembered about their summer, it would be that mommy/auntie screamed a few times.

They had fun. I had fun. They learned a lot. And I learned more. I learned patience. I learned to pick my battles and arguments. I learned, at 38, when you stop arguing and start listening, children will listen to you. They learned to assess a situation and find their own solutions before tattling. They learned that 5 minutes IS a long time out when you are stuck in the laundry room corner, staring at the spider webs on the window panes and your other 5 cousins are playing outside. They learned that Johnson and Johnson smeared over the lips wasn't worth getting the last word and that it doesn't make the cool bubbles like it does in the bath tub. I learned that children are listening, even when you think they are not. I might have eyes in the back of my head, but they have the hearing of a bat and can repeat even the slightest conversation, verbatim. Curse words clear as day.

I got more than I bargained for this summer with three extra kids. I got a free early childhood development crash course and life's lessons re-learned. It was no vacation overseas and somedays it was no day at the beach, but as a mom who is about
head back into the working world outside of the home, I soaked up every minute of the spunk and vigor of 6 kids who have a voracious zest for life.