Couch to 5K. I don't know if I'll ever be 160 pounds again. I was 160 pounds at some previous point in my life because you don't go from 21 inches and 8 pounds to 5'8" and 245 pounds without passing 160. I believe I am shaped like a pear or perhaps an apple? I also know that I carry my weight in the worse place possible, right under my chest and around my stomach. I am a size 22 pants/jeans and a 24 top. I consider my chest huge and the inner tube under my arms seems to flow to my back. I told myself if I was ever going to lose weight I needed a way to keep myself honest. Any woman, looking at another woman can visually guesstimate what the other one weighs within 15 pounds. Oh, some can hide it pretty well, but take off the Spanx and girdles and out it all flows. In my mind, men see women as skinny, fat, hot, or having just popped out a few kids and letting her body go. And I did have 2 c-sections, which have left a horizontal scar and the flab of skin over the scar (a muffin top?), but the weight around the scar is my own doing. Being called fat does bother me (and it doesn't have to be verbal..it can be a look..a once over) because I know how it got there and I know it's my own doing and I know I can fix it.
I think 160 pounds is on the high end of what my body height allows for a healthy weight. Perhaps that has medically changed, and if so, please don't tell me. I just know when I was 170 and pregnant with our twins, I felt really healthy. I 'looked' healthy. I don't look or feel healthy now. I've always been the one if I wanted something, I went after it. I worked several jobs to get through college and earn an art degree. I wanted to have a thriving career before I 'settled down' I found a way to move to Chicago and enjoy a career, my own place and the thrill of independence. I allowed myself the time through a busy career to find love, enjoy my husband 'alone' for a few years before having 3 beautiful kids. These are all aspects of my life that I have worked for and couldn't imagine my life any other way. And I enjoy staying at home with my children, but they are becoming less dependent and it's time I put some of the focus back on me.
If you've haven't read the paragraph 'about me' under my blog title it says this:
...I'M A WIFE, MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SISTER, FRIEND, IN NEED OF AN OUTLET FOR ALL THE JUNK THAT PILES UP IN MY MIND. I ENJOY BEING A WIFE AND MOM, BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THIS PATH I CHOSE FOR MYSELF, THE DAY-TO-DAY SNUCK UP AND SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF THE PERSON I ONCE WAS AND ENJOYED. I AM SEEKING TO FIND 'HER' AGAIN...THE TOMBOY..THE ADVENTURER..THE WHIMSICAL-SPUR OF THE MOMENT-JUMP IN THE CAR AND DRIVE...THE ARTIST AT HEART."
The day to day has sucked the life out of me. And some days just getting the kids out of bed, getting them breakfast, hair combed, teeth brushed and out the door with backpacks and lunch boxes, not to mention the dog fed and the rest of the morning routine finished and done, I'm ready to climb back into bed and put in another 2 hours of sleep. But no one ever got anywhere bitching about it or sleeping in all morning.
So, I started walking about 3 weeks ago. Just around my neighborhood and at my own pace, which probably would compare to a snail. But it has felt good. I haven't lost a pound. I haven't changed my eating habits other than consciously eating healthier meals which means smaller portions and drinking more water. I need to cut out the junk in my diet, but that is probably the hardest thing for me. I'm working on it.
I sort of reached this exercise block where I got bored with walking already. I teetered with the idea of running for several years, but I have a million excuses why I've never done it. Allergy induced asthma, big boobs, sciatic pain, and just the general idea that I don't think I'd really like it. Poor reasons, really. I've been trying to think of ways that I could continue this exercise for myself but set a goal for something I could work toward. I have several friends who run and have been running since grade school. I asked one for advice and she loaded me up with information.
I set my goal as the Steamboat Classic 2011. I found a 'couch to 5K' online plan. I am finding it hard to believe that I could be ready to run a 5K in 2 months, like the online plan is suggesting, but I am going to try and follow it. I'm sure this online plan does not account for women who are as physically unhealthy as myself, but I am working with it anyway. If I have to stretch it out over 4 months, rather than 2, then so be it. I will make it through this and hopefully, come Spring, be ready to take on longer distances and be amply prepared for this race in June. I don't care how I finish as long as I cross the finish line. It is a personal goal. And I hope to get healthier along the way.
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My first day.
I stretched following the 12 step stretching samples on the website I'm following. I did my 5 minute brisk walk and got halfway around the neighborhood. This made me aware my previous daily walks were doing nothing other than circulating blood. Then I had to start 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. OMG-I ran!
And I felt how heavy each leg was. How heavy my butt and belly have gotten. I felt how far I had to raise each leg just to get a foot off the ground. I felt the IPod squeezing my arm, reminding me how large my arms have gotten. I felt sweat underneath the hair on my head. I felt my underwear and my bra and they weren't comfortable. I felt every breath go in my nose and out my mouth. I felt my lungs start to burn. I felt the back of my throat burning. I felt every song on my IPod not seeming to be fast enough (note to self...must download 'Eye of the Tiger' because even if I never become Rocky, I would like to at least feel like him). And I felt every second of each 60 seconds of running go by.
I was happy to see the driveway. I was happy to realize that I had accomplished the first day. I was happy I did not have an asthma attack or a heart attack. And I'm proud of myself for doing this. While I was on the second to last 60 second run period and I was feeling like I would just walk the rest, I tried to imagine what it will feel like to cross that finish line in June. Not just to finish, but what I will have accomplished by then? I tried to imagine what I might look like and how I would feel about myself. Will I cry from exhaustion or accomplishment? From both? In imagining all those thoughts and feelings, 60 seconds flew by. And before I knew it, I was in my driveway.
Today was hard. As I sit and type this, I'm feeling it in my calves and ankles. As I near 39, I don't want to be physically hurting anymore. I don't want to be fat. I want to feel positive and healthy. I want to accomplish this so I can see another 40 years, so that I can enjoy all the aspects in my life that I've put so much effort into having for myself. And perhaps I'll never reach 160 pounds again, but I can strive to be a healthy person who is happy with herself.
This is one of the most heartfelt posts I have ever seen and you should be so incredibly proud of yourself - look how far you've come! I know you think you are just beginning, but to me you're already well on your way.
ReplyDeleteIt really helps to have support - whether that be a friend, a walking/running buddy, or just this outlet to vent your feelings when you have a good day or when you slip.
And you'll slip. Trust me. We all do. But the challenge here is not trying NOT to slip - but being able to get back on that horse after you do and NOT GIVE UP.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm no dietitian or personal trainer or expert by any means, but I have found that just because you've started a new eating/exercise program doesn't mean you'll see results in a week, or two weeks, or even three. It took time to put on those pounds and get out of shape, it will take time for your body to adjust and not say "WTF????" every day.
And don't look at the scale so much as look at how you FEEL. Seriously. The scale can be a dealbreaker for many people. Just because it isn't moving doesn't mean you aren't becoming healthier, more fit, more muscular, leaner.
Just give it enough time and do what you ENJOY and before long you will actually become as much a part of your day as getting those kids off to school. And you will be AMAZED at the energy you get back that you thought you'd lost.
Best of luck, and PLEASE keep posting on your progress - the good and the bad. We're all in this together!
Dude!! You did it!! You should be awesomely proud of yourself! The first step is always the hardest but if you give it enough time, you will become addicted to running. Keep going--I'm with you all the way!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!! You're off to a great start.
ReplyDeleteI'll join you for the Steamboat :)
OK, you've inspired me. I did the jog one block, walk two blocks, for 30 minutes, dog by my side, he loved it.
ReplyDeleteThat 'ol familiar workout buzz is still flowing through my body, the pain I can handle, the fear that earth's gravitational pull has increased will subside in due time.
I'm not going to even think along the lines of a 5k, but a non stop mile a day is my goal.
The other benefit I feel, that nagging head cold I've had for a week, seems to have vanished.
.............Thank you -Rog
Good for you getting started running! Amy is exactly right, you will slip. In the five years I have been running there have been several times when I have skipped weeks, even a couple months, but if you do it enough and let yourself get into it, it will become part of you and you will always return to it.
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