Awake And Moving on Day 2!

And I'm not going to post progress every day, but I wanted to share my first day up until now.

I was in massive pain when I got home yesterday morning, despite the 'woo-hoo' feelings that I actually made it. Every 'ka-thud' to the ground with one foot, leg, hip and belly jiggle while running had lent itself to the hurt I was feeling yesterday for most of the day. I fell asleep yesterday afternoon and woke up a half hour later feeling rested. And then a shower before dinner helped to revive me too. I had a major sciatic issue (must get fitted for GOOD shoes!) and all I could think about every time I went up and down our stairs was how bad my the left side of my butt hurt. But, I took it easy, hydrated throughout the day, made an awesome dinner and did not eat anymore after 7 PM. I even went to bed fairly early (for me) because I just couldn't keep my head up.

Woke up this morning and am feeling better. Sciatic pain is someone gone or 'in hiding' and I'll be happy if it hides all day. I have a house to vacuum and if I do it the right way, with edging and vacuuming vents, corners of walls and moving furniture, I will have had a good workout. I will take my son out on his bike this afternoon and I will walk. I'm not going to overdue it, but I don't want to wake tomorrow and be curled in a fetal position.

Need some water.

And thanks for all the wonderfully supportive messages yesterday. :-)
I hope you will continue to follow me. I remain positive.

Today Is The First Day

Couch to 5K.

I don't know if I'll ever be 160 pounds again. I was 160 pounds at some previous point in my life because you don't go from 21 inches and 8 pounds to 5'8" and 245 pounds without passing 160. I believe I am shaped like a pear or perhaps an apple? I also know that I carry my weight in the worse place possible, right under my chest and around my stomach. I am a size 22 pants/jeans and a 24 top. I consider my chest huge and the inner tube under my arms seems to flow to my back. I told myself if I was ever going to lose weight I needed a way to keep myself honest. Any woman, looking at another woman can visually guesstimate what the other one weighs within 15 pounds. Oh, some can hide it pretty well, but take off the Spanx and girdles and out it all flows. In my mind, men see women as skinny, fat, hot, or having just popped out a few kids and letting her body go. And I did have 2 c-sections, which have left a horizontal scar and the flab of skin over the scar (a muffin top?), but the weight around the scar is my own doing. Being called fat does bother me (and it doesn't have to be verbal..it can be a look..a once over) because I know how it got there and I know it's my own doing and I know I can fix it.

I think 160 pounds is on the high end of what my body height allows for a healthy weight. Perhaps that has medically changed, and if so, please don't tell me. I just know when I was 170 and pregnant with our twins, I felt really healthy. I 'looked' healthy. I don't look or feel healthy now. I've always been the one if I wanted something, I went after it. I worked several jobs to get through college and earn an art degree. I wanted to have a thriving career before I 'settled down' I found a way to move to Chicago and enjoy a career, my own place and the thrill of independence. I allowed myself the time through a busy career to find love, enjoy my husband 'alone' for a few years before having 3 beautiful kids. These are all aspects of my life that I have worked for and couldn't imagine my life any other way. And I enjoy staying at home with my children, but they are becoming less dependent and it's time I put some of the focus back on me.

If you've haven't read the paragraph 'about me' under my blog title it says this:

...I'M A WIFE, MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SISTER, FRIEND, IN NEED OF AN OUTLET FOR ALL THE JUNK THAT PILES UP IN MY MIND. I ENJOY BEING A WIFE AND MOM, BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THIS PATH I CHOSE FOR MYSELF, THE DAY-TO-DAY SNUCK UP AND SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF THE PERSON I ONCE WAS AND ENJOYED. I AM SEEKING TO FIND 'HER' AGAIN...THE TOMBOY..THE ADVENTURER..THE WHIMSICAL-SPUR OF THE MOMENT-JUMP IN THE CAR AND DRIVE...THE ARTIST AT HEART."

The day to day has sucked the life out of me. And some days just getting the kids out of bed, getting them breakfast, hair combed, teeth brushed and out the door with backpacks and lunch boxes, not to mention the dog fed and the rest of the morning routine finished and done, I'm ready to climb back into bed and put in another 2 hours of sleep. But no one ever got anywhere bitching about it or sleeping in all morning.

So, I started walking about 3 weeks ago. Just around my neighborhood and at my own pace, which probably would compare to a snail. But it has felt good. I haven't lost a pound. I haven't changed my eating habits other than consciously eating healthier meals which means smaller portions and drinking more water. I need to cut out the junk in my diet, but that is probably the hardest thing for me. I'm working on it.

I sort of reached this exercise block where I got bored with walking already. I teetered with the idea of running for several years, but I have a million excuses why I've never done it. Allergy induced asthma, big boobs, sciatic pain, and just the general idea that I don't think I'd really like it. Poor reasons, really. I've been trying to think of ways that I could continue this exercise for myself but set a goal for something I could work toward. I have several friends who run and have been running since grade school. I asked one for advice and she loaded me up with information.

I set my goal as the Steamboat Classic 2011. I found a 'couch to 5K' online plan. I am finding it hard to believe that I could be ready to run a 5K in 2 months, like the online plan is suggesting, but I am going to try and follow it. I'm sure this online plan does not account for women who are as physically unhealthy as myself, but I am working with it anyway. If I have to stretch it out over 4 months, rather than 2, then so be it. I will make it through this and hopefully, come Spring, be ready to take on longer distances and be amply prepared for this race in June. I don't care how I finish as long as I cross the finish line. It is a personal goal. And I hope to get healthier along the way.

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My first day.
I stretched following the 12 step stretching samples on the website I'm following. I did my 5 minute brisk walk and got halfway around the neighborhood. This made me aware my previous daily walks were doing nothing other than circulating blood. Then I had to start 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. OMG-I ran!

And I felt how heavy each leg was. How heavy my butt and belly have gotten. I felt how far I had to raise each leg just to get a foot off the ground. I felt the IPod squeezing my arm, reminding me how large my arms have gotten. I felt sweat underneath the hair on my head. I felt my underwear and my bra and they weren't comfortable. I felt every breath go in my nose and out my mouth. I felt my lungs start to burn. I felt the back of my throat burning. I felt every song on my IPod not seeming to be fast enough (note to self...must download 'Eye of the Tiger' because even if I never become Rocky, I would like to at least feel like him). And I felt every second of each 60 seconds of running go by.

I was happy to see the driveway. I was happy to realize that I had accomplished the first day. I was happy I did not have an asthma attack or a heart attack. And I'm proud of myself for doing this. While I was on the second to last 60 second run period and I was feeling like I would just walk the rest, I tried to imagine what it will feel like to cross that finish line in June. Not just to finish, but what I will have accomplished by then? I tried to imagine what I might look like and how I would feel about myself. Will I cry from exhaustion or accomplishment? From both? In imagining all those thoughts and feelings, 60 seconds flew by. And before I knew it, I was in my driveway.

Today was hard. As I sit and type this, I'm feeling it in my calves and ankles. As I near 39, I don't want to be physically hurting anymore. I don't want to be fat. I want to feel positive and healthy. I want to accomplish this so I can see another 40 years, so that I can enjoy all the aspects in my life that I've put so much effort into having for myself. And perhaps I'll never reach 160 pounds again, but I can strive to be a healthy person who is happy with herself.

Barrel Tipping?

I'm originally from a rural area outside of Peoria and have heard of cow tipping, but this new version of vandalism could pose a hazard to oncoming drivers that are unaware of the road situation at Route 8 and the Kickapoo/Edwards/Taylor Road intersection.

Just a hunch, but I don't think the storm did this over the weekend.


The first two photos show the damage to the barrels on the Kickapoo/Edwards side, going north on Route 8, where the median is currently under construction. The vandals must have run out of time or just been too pooped that late at night to do the barrels on the south side of Route 8 at Taylor Road (last photo). Those were left alone. It is too bad there was no video camera at that intersection because a lot of the reflectors on the barrels were busted and the barrels themselves were tore up and laying in the road.

The Weather Is Beautiful

Ever notice how the weather is the 'go-to' topic when you have nothing better to talk about? It is often the subject of small talk. The weather has been nice, in fact, spectacular in my opinion, but that isn't the root of my blog post.

Despite the cooler temps, windows open and breezes blowing, my mood has been a bit melancholy as of late. I caught Phil Luciano's column this morning about the loss of a friend. Luciano: A darkness behind the brightest of smiles - Peoria, IL - pjstar.com I thought it an interesting point where he questions, "what lurks behind the smiles and laughs we see in our loved ones every day? Are they real, a mask or something in between?"

Some days I wear my happy face because I deem it necessary to project positive thinking to our children and to others. I'm not saying I do it all the time. I'm sure if you asked our kids, they would tell you mommy can also do the 'scary monster face' really well. My point is, sometimes we hit ruts, a funk and we need to find a ladder, to be able to climb out of the hole of darkness.

Several news stories have brought me down in mood, a crisis with one of our vehicles, ongoing edginess with friends, crazy schedules my family is keeping lately and several family matters for which I have no control. I just wanted everyone to know the truth. I am not a 'perky peach of a mother' all the time. And I've come to realize, there are times in my life, my months, my days where I just have to get my leg on one rung of that ladder to step up and see a little light.

I went for a walk. I made a pot of coffee. I am sitting outside enjoying the morning of peace and quiet. And despite the crap in my life that I noted above, I am smiling on the inside because I know it will pass and life will work itself out.

"I took the good times, I take the bad times..."

"...I take you just the way you are."

I had a great Labor Day weekend, for the most part. Husband and kids were GREAT. We had wonderful friends over and I even got out and enjoyed a little 'me' time. Everyone relaxed and enjoyed each other, which is how a long weekend is supposed to be.

However, it ended abruptly due to some unforeseen, yet forthright honesty by a few persons in my life. I thought, perhaps naively, I'd never encountered a person, that I could not get along with, and at the bare minimum, agree to disagree. I was pretty proud of the fact, most of my friendships and relationships that had disengaged throughout my life, seemed to have been amicable in parting of the ways or for those which just grew apart, with no one to blame. I should be thankful. I've had disappointments and minor backstabbing in my life from persons I've trusted. Those persons doing the damage were obviously not of great importance in the grand scheme of my life, because I got over it relatively quick. I am not sharing major details of this weekend's events as I prefer to keep some dirty laundry on the laundry room floor of my home, but I will say, emotionally, it was a rough, eye-opening weekend.

The first song I thought of was 'The Stranger' by Billy Joel, because I felt blindsided and betrayed by the persons I thought I knew. However, as I continue on this journey of adulthood, I realize that there are people who just don't care for me. I rub them the wrong way, I've been a disappointment to them in some regard, or perhaps they just don't find a middle or common ground with me. I can accept that.

Instead of feeling like I am disappointment or I lack the qualities to be 'liked/loved' in those persons lives, I'm choosing to embrace the person I am to those who do love me, those that accept me for who I am. It is to those people that I say THANK YOU. Thank you for loving me just the way I am.

Moving forward.

GLORIOUS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC DAY!

THIS is my FALL!! When I step outside in my pajama attire (to let the dog out) and I am freezing 'something' off, it is MY kind of weather. It is going to be a good day. I opened up the windows and am purging the summer funk that has built up in this house. I'm cleaning house and actually enjoying it.

Busy day ahead that involves a lot of driving. I'm actually excited about this. Driving when your dash registers 102 degrees, is NOT my kind of driving weather. I don't care if the AC is set at 63, with all 4 front vents blowing on me (yes, I really do this), it is entirely too warm to be in a vehicle because at some point, you have to get out. So, today as I venture out to get an oil change, pick up my son from school, head to a late lunch with a friend and then to the movies tonight with my husband and the kiddos, I will be rolling down the highway with the windows wide open and the music at a level that won't wound ear drums, but might just let other vehicles at stoplights know that it's a 'Desire' kind of day! I never used to like the cd, but I found myself playing it over and over as I'd go out to shoot photos and now it's probably one of my favorites. It's good-groovin'-drivin' tune-age, but if you like 'BOB,' any of his music is good music, anytime.

Carpe diem.

Not sure what's up with the Jesus rag on his head (1976 ?), but still a good song..