If you are a woman that's been for a visit to an Ob/Gyn doc, then you will be able to relate. It took me a few visits to get used to my Obstetrician when I first started going to him about 14 years ago. Yes, it's a guy doctor and at first I wasn't sure about having some male, other than my husband down in the woman parts. But, after some reassurance he sees MANY 'va-jay-jays' (thanks Oprah) in a day, and 3 kids later, we have a pretty open doctor/patient relationship and I've really come to trust him and his staff. But, no matter how comfortable I am with them, the following is a list, probably unfinished, of items and experiences that always make me sweaty and uncomfortable when visiting.
1. Internal Ultrasound Transducer. Quite the name for a wand with a camera that seems like the length of my arm, which gets covered in a condom and warm jelly-like lube and shoved up the you know what for a looksie. First time I was told I needed an internal ultrasound I thought..'oh, no big deal' until I saw this 'not-vibrator' looking thing coming at my woman parts. I've named it the magic wand only because I've gotten to see that I was having twins and with our second pregnancy that we were having a boy. There really is nothing magical about it because it really sucks the vanity right out of you.
2. Getting weighed. I am not sure if I'm the only one that does this but I make sure I drop my purse because it's probably 20 pounds and I also remove shoes if they aren't flip flops or flats. I'm sure it doesn't make a huge difference because I'm already overweight and have been for my pregnancies, but for some reason, it makes me feel better to shed the purse and shoes. If I was getting weighed in the exam room, I'd probably request to shed my clothes too, but those paper gowns do not cover much.
3. Speaking of paper gowns. When I go for exams, they nurse is kind enough to leave me a gown that opens in the front AND a folded paper sheet. Now the gown is to be left open in the front for breast exam purpose and the sheet is to be placed over the legs and give me some reassurance that I'll remain private for the 2 minutes of small talk before I get to lay down and spread eagle. Let me tell you something about that sheet. It is probably the size of a 72 x 108" tablecloth. Now, I'll do the math for you and let you know that even though I'm overweight, I'm not 9 feet wide or long, so that paper sheet is entirely too big. And figuring out how to appropriately arrange it over my legs and waist area so that it doesn't slide off is a challenge. I usually end up tucking most of it under my butt or wrapping it around like a skirt and then getting stuck in it when I try to lay down after the doctor is ready for the exam.
4. The duck bills. Here's a TMI tidbit for you. I was told I have a tilted uterus. Obviously, it's not been a problem in getting pregnant, but as anyone having sex knows, body parts bend and adapt and hooray for that! Duck bills do not. They are metal, slid in until adjusted appropriately, for what seems like the world to get a good view, and then for that 20 seconds of cranking them open so that the doc can get his specimen, my mind MUST escape to La-La Land because I think this is the worst part of any exam I've had. Granted, I've not been for a colonoscopy yet. I'm pretty sure that will be it's own blog.
5. Sample urine cups seem to be another challenge for me. There are two kinds of sample urine cups. There is a clean catch urine package that you get sometimes and then there are routine OB sample cups. The clean catch is a little package with 3 wipes, a cup with a removable lip making sure you catch all the urine and a lid for when you are finished. That doesn't seem all that confusing except for the three wipes. Now I always shower before going to a doctor appointment, but I can't confirm that of others. Until someone explained that the three wipes were for right side of your bottom, left side and down the middle, I had no idea other than they wanted you to be REALLY clean before peeing into that cup. Thank goodness I've had years of practice squatting over dirty college toilets, campground compost pots and even in the woods a few times. I know exactly where my parts are and how they work and have no issues making it into a hole the size of a 5 gallon bucket, BUT....they ask you to pee just a little, THEN hold the cup under the urine stream and catch a good lot of it. Try not peeing on your hand. Really. And then you have to set the open cup somewhere so you can wipe, praying it doesn't spill because you only have so much pee in the bladder. Yes, it's a challenge for me.
6. Breast exams. I hope you do your home checks once a month. I've had two fibroid cyst scares and if you've ever had to go to the Komen Center (or a breast/cancer treatment center) for a sonogram or follow-up, you'll know why it's extremely important to check the girls! But, as for the office check, I'm extremely ticklish. So, having someone get anywhere near my armpits or in that area to check lymph nodes or breast tissue makes me giggle uncontrollably. My doc probably thinks I'm a bit strange, but I can't be the only ticklish person, right? I should thank goodness I'm not ticklish down yonder! That would not only be strangely weird, but most definitely uncomfortable.
7. Running into people you know. I hate this. My doctor is fairly popular in the medical area in which we live which means he sees a lot of people. I've run into many people I've known or my family or friends know in some capacity. And then comes the wondering.. 'hmmm..wonder why she's here?' Call me nosey and paranoid..but for some reason my mind flips through the possible reasons..routine exam?, follow-up exam?, abnormal test results? AND the best one of all ...'IS SHE PREGNANT?' OOOOHHHH...wouldn't that be some juicy news!!??? Why do I think those things about others if I don't want them surmising about my health? Anyway, I keep my head low and pretend I don't see anyone and pray no one asks...'so what brings you here?'
8. Blood pressure check. If the idea of this doesn't increase your blood pressure just a wee bit, then kudos to you. But, just the thought of getting it checked, raises mine. And, usually mine is also affected by what I did before getting to the appointment..argument with the kids before school..running late to my appointment and having just totally hoofed it through the parking lot because I'm late..worrying about that weight check....seeing the duck bills laying out on a tray with a large tube of lube and surgical gloves.. Yeah..those things make my blood pressure spike. I've learned to ask for them to check it before I leave. I also practice slow and concentrated breathing with eyes closed before I have this done. It does calm me and and my blood pressure has always been in normal range, even when pregnant and totally bloated. I highly suggest the breathing.
9. Lastly, there is this artwork on the walls of my doctor's exam rooms. Normally, I wouldn't comment on the decor of a doctor's office as it's usually pretty much the same....some framed degrees or certification, maybe some posters of pro-active healthy ways, and maybe some advertising for new medications. But, along with these in my doctor's exam rooms, are these posters of what appears to be the story of Little Red Riding Hood. I'm not sure the artist and I have requested my doc find new art. I'd even settle for the Anne Geddes babies. What freaks me out are the ones where there is a wolf's mouth dripping blood. Now, I think the wolf has attacked other animals or at least that is what I tell myself, but there should be no dripping blood in any picture on on any doctor's wall, let alone my OB's! Just my opinion.
Best wishes on a comfortable and happy pap! Guys...you have nothing on us by bending over and coughing. Trust me.
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